Well i now feel shitty. For anyone who knows me even a little, they know i constantly am checking myself out in the mirror to make sure my hair is well kept and i look at least decent, especially more in the company of pretty girls. With that said, for the last few years, i have, honestly and very sadly, developed a reputation with some of the custodian over the years who see me sometimes go into the bathroom just to look at myself. Well there is this one particular custodian named Ray, who is an older Spanish guy who all the time tells me “You looking good papi, don’t worry” or some variation of that. Well since i came to school “Gym ready” and not really focused on talking to anyone, when i came here to print out my paper, he looked at me and said “D, stay right there, ill get you a comb man, you gotta clean yourself up” lol so now im going to go somewhere private and burn all my clothes.
So I’m walking between czar and the bricks, and the sidewalk is empty except for a group of kids up ahead that are all looking at me. If any of you follow the news, there is this new trend with some of the more urban kids called “Knockout” where the kids punch an unsuspecting person in the hopes of knocking them out cold, which is repulsive, disgusting, and a real way to let people know you’re poor. Well, seeing that the kids up ahead are 4 younger, my height yet thin and muscular black kids, and one white guy who I’m pretty sure is eminent, I clench my jaw and move in the direction I was originally headed. As we get nearer and nearer, we all start making eye contact, I clench my fist and get real stiff until I hear one if the kids say “I don’t think any of the guys in there like me, it’s probably this repulsive shirt that I should burn.” Then I realized all 5 of the kids are gay and that I’m the biggest dumbass of all time that the world isn’t as evil as the media forces to believe. We (including me) need to stop judging books by their covers.
I was once on a date with a girl and everything was going well and smoothly, so we started to play a little game. After your basic “where are you from?” and “what are you into?” bullshit, you have to build on the conversation to continue, or talk about your day….if you’re basic. Me, being the weirdo that I am, I like to get the embarrassing stuff out first. It’s sort if like asking someone to play Russian Roulette, except instead of getting a bullet to the head, you take someone you just met and turn then off forever… Cause you’re gross and weird.
So I, on the spot, think of a new game “what’s the most embarrassing thing in your car?” she goes first, because it’s my game and I said so. She starts by telling me a story about how she carries dog pads and towels in her car at all times because of a terrible story if a scared stray dog she picked up, fill in the blank. When it’s my turn to go, I decide to tell her that I carry an entire line of hair products in my car because I’m very confident in my hair. I thought this was a safe zone but it turns out this was the judgmental circle and she started making fun of me, so feeling embarrassed, I got defensive and said “Well it’s better than carrying dog pads around because I’m waiting for a dog to fill the empty childless part if my soul.” A few minutes later she had to leave and I lost at my own game if Russian roulette.
I just killed any chances with any of the pretty college cashiers at my local Publix (a larger supermarket chain here in Florida). I sometimes buy a herbal laxative tea made by Yogi, because after a long day of eating terribly, I sometimes close out my night by drinking it, to detox me over night. Well of course the shortest line at the supermarket was this really indie, flower-child, cute blonde girl, and of course i am buying what will inevitably be the nails to my social coffin. So I come up to her, and she starts ringing me up, when we start mildly chit-chatting about our majors at USF.
After about a minute of us smiling and eye contact, i see her pick up the box, and i see her eyes read it. It was like a terribly painful slow-motion scene in a movie, I almost saw the words “Laxative” reflect in her eyes, she quickly scanned it and kept proceeding through my groceries, responding with only one word answers. The moral of my story is that Publix should get self-checkouts.
How do you begin something? Sometimes starting something is always more difficult than being in the middle of it. We perceive ideas of continuity as simple and obvious, but it is always a lot harder to start at the begging.
So here it goes, I have no idea what i am doing. Honestly, my life is like a continuous joke by god (whom i barely believe in or ever talk to anymore), due to all the constant embarrassment and mishaps, I feel like i am a drunken mess filled with broken hearts and red cheeks from embarrassment. If you, the reader, are willing to stick around for the ride, you’ll encounter some of my more honest and embarrassing stories, as well as some i wouldn’t dare share in person, but am willing to share on web. So my final note….. stay honest, stay optimistic, and more importantly, stay non-judgmental, these stories are all 100% true and terrible.